Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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My teenage children choosing violence
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars