2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people