Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.