If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
what’s the point then??
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”