63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea