My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me in tagged photos
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN