I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
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I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I laughed at this way too hard.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.