I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
*exercises sarcastically*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.