My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
This is a true ally.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I’m going to need a moment here.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…