Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’m being attacked 😭
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons