Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.