are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.