Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Sing it!
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife