[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.