I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
the clam before the storm
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
bears
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching