waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
It’s an epidemic…
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”