“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.