Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family