My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
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For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?