corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
reminder
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing