I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.