The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
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[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Nice try Hitler
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake