I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
You Might Also Like
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.