Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?