How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)