“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest