twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
This could’ve been an email.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …