My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day