i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.