I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.