My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Broom by every window for quick escape.