Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 馃榾
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won鈥檛 fit in the toaster
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
You鈥檙e 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[ikea date]
him: let鈥檚 go check out the beds 馃槈
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don鈥檛 accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won鈥檛 I鈥檓 not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I鈥檓 Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Kids be like I can鈥檛 eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will鈥weeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it鈥檚 full of strawberry Twizzlers*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.