Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory