The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.