My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Fidel Castro was alive?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!