what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
You Might Also Like
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees