Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
You Might Also Like
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
why no one uses midhusbands
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd