Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW