I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.