Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.