Smile Twitter, Smile.
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.