I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.