playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]