“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Sponch
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Imma just leave this here…………
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection