aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
You Might Also Like
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.