I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids