My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me