I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
A friend helps you before you need it
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”