Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Well well well…
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Spider-cat: No One Home
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.