i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
men, we mow at sunrise.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.